Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
