he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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