I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
