he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
