What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
