Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Congratulations! We have a period
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
