idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So apparently I’m into choking now
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
