Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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