I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
