god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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