im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
