her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
