mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
