just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
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My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
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Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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