my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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