as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
