I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
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