There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
