And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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