I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
