There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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