If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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