24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
