the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
