He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
