weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
