matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
