Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you would pick up someone in the library
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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