I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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