Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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