mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Randomize
