Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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