I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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