Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
