I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
