Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
