When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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