i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
