I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I still have a little drunk in my system
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
