It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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