Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
