i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
