Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
