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So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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