Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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