You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
