if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
