I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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