I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.