Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know