I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
