we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
