I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
