Soap is not a condiment
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
