i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
