I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
