saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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